Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P. to all my ex's.. The funeral will be held at "Never Again Christian Church" On the corner of "I'm done Road" & "F*ck you Avenue"

   making a career of this.

   perfecting secretly sleeping at my desk.

   back to the future

   I hate it when people don't let me sleep, especially when I'm driving

   I filled up my car and it showed up on my credit report.

   DAMN!! Obamaphones sure are getting one serious workout these last two nights in Ferguson!!

   Hey Green Bay I bet your having a lot of W(H)INE with your cheese tonight.

   Dec. 4 1079 it was 91 deg. Was it Global Waring then too?

   I feel so blessed that the government protects my family and I from the dangers of gay marriage so we can safely go buy some assault weapons

   You can be gay, you can marry, I don't care about any of that. But just stop it with the "I was born that way" $hit!

   a man donates blood to his girlfriend. they break up. he says he wants his blood back. she throws a tampon at him and yells 'I'll pay you monthly!!'

   faking the smile with the coffee to go

   the weapon of choice.

   If you add me as your friend and I ignore you.....Do move on it's just facebook. Don't change your name and profile picture and add me again! The request will still be ignored! I still know it's you!

   the pill the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   Tried to order at McDonald's today, couldn't understand her. So I started poking her forehead with my finger, I was trying to push 1 for English.

   If a person keeps they cereal in fridge they grew up wit roaches

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   Facebook (FB) + Instagram (I) = FBI............."They" are watching you.