Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This woman blowing me at the glory hole forgot to shave.

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   What is gray and comes in quarts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,an elephant

   Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it an@l? I bet it was an@l.

   Remember ladies, you can be anything you want, like a Doctor's nurse, a lawyer's clerk or the President of the US………..Shoppers Association.

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.

   My girl brought me breakfast in bed, I slowly turned to her and said, ?What are you doing out of the Kitchen??

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   Friday's smell like vodka

   Today marks the day of the 100th birthday of a true American icon...Lucille Ball. To many generations she has brought us laughs and enjoyment with her quirky dilemmas. Still to this day she brings laughter all over the world episode after episode of I Lov

   Last night I was two women shy of having a threesome...

   Like if you always wonder why people in cartoons never change their clothes.

   God says the we should be humble, it good to know I am doing right, because I am more humble than anyone else I know, I am probably the humble person there is.

   anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   The day after a big turkey dinner I always have fowl smelling farts.

   I hope the black guys lose

   I don't need a president in charge of my gall bladder...

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   Since we're not allowed to talk about gun control right after mass shootings, having them happen back-to-back is a real time-saver...