Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, buy I'm proud of him to finally having the ball to come clean.

   Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.

   Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my house .

   I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity, walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu!

   When a guy tells you he's meat free, it's a safe bet he's also girlfriend free.

   Fast food restaurants are being forced to do away with their "Play Places" because it has become too expensive to employ the army of Structural Engineers required to keep up with the skyrocketing weight of today's children.

   wondering why hockey players are gotta be so effin' greedy!! Enough already.....

   This woman blowing me at the glory hole forgot to shave.

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   What is gray and comes in quarts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,an elephant

   Guys, when Adele goes "I heard that your dreams came true Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you" was it an@l? I bet it was an@l.

   Remember ladies, you can be anything you want, like a Doctor's nurse, a lawyer's clerk or the President of the US………..Shoppers Association.

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.

   My girl brought me breakfast in bed, I slowly turned to her and said, ?What are you doing out of the Kitchen??

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   Friday's smell like vodka

   Today marks the day of the 100th birthday of a true American icon...Lucille Ball. To many generations she has brought us laughs and enjoyment with her quirky dilemmas. Still to this day she brings laughter all over the world episode after episode of I Lov

   Last night I was two women shy of having a threesome...

   Like if you always wonder why people in cartoons never change their clothes.

   God says the we should be humble, it good to know I am doing right, because I am more humble than anyone else I know, I am probably the humble person there is.