Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   If you haven't celebrated Cinco de Mayo with a sink full of Mayo while each person bobbs for Mexican midgets than you are doing it wrong.

   Hey guys, if you wanna know if your new girl is keepin' up with her "womanscaping"... take a look at her feet. If they look like an eagle's talons, run... run hard and run fast. You're Welcome. :)

   Why can't I be like the other guys that I know, and just be happy with an ugiy f@t girl?

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Ethopia the next day or something.

   News break the waking dead is on, so I will update everyone every commercial break-Get a life

   I wonder if the new popemobile will be a low rider??

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   One of the women I work with said she doesn't feel like being bothered today so she's just going to leave the tampon wrapper right on top of my desk.

   I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.

   I wonder if drug dealers do black Friday lol ...weed and crack 20% off

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.

   I wonder if chickens ever wake up feeling foul?

   What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

   COCAINE IS NATURE'S CAPS LOCK

   Here is a joke for all of the mind readers out there....

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   The most beautiful women are often the most insecure, so don't forget to treat them like garbage too once in a while.