Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   British airways had a plane turn around because of a smelly poop. I need help turning that into a joke

   Free weed > free drinks

   At air shows in Japan, they have to get new pilots every year.

   On Canada Day you are allowed to kiss a beaver; and Parks Canada can't do nothing about it ... it's in the constitution.

   You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing monkey? me hanging a tire swing in the kitchen: not a clue.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now

   (1620).. We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm...*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse,, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.

   The Dallas Cowboys finally made it through a Sunday without losing.

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   Steve Harvey got high with Colombians and made a mistakes.

   know what my New Year's resolution is going to be. But I'm not going to share it in case I fail so I won't be held accoutable by anyone but me.

   I love lesbians... Only when they let me

   Hey 2015... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, you Dirty Mother Fucker!!!

   Obama going to completely ignore the release of the iPhone 5S?

   If someone knocks on the door while you're in a toilet stall respond with "be with you in a second, let me finish up with this one first"

   Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar...

   What would a man have a need for shoes in the first place if he had no feet.. That gets an X for not funny

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm