Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   And I damn sure don't wait until all the numbers on the calendar match to pray.

   God must love stupid people. He made so many.

   Okay before you kill me, can I at least pull my underwear out of my crack? A man has to go comfortable.

   I don't know whether to like or hate Baddie. Dude can be so mean sometimes.

   Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already!

   Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.

   If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.

   Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.

   "We would have broke-up alot sooner, but we have 46 mutual Facebook friends and a bunch of new restaurants were opening up..."

   I've never slowly walked backwards in my home, which I credit as the only reason I've never been attacked by maniacs.

   now that Zuckerberg is married, if he divorces does she get the "face" half or the "book" half

   Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.

   I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.

   you know you're getting old when you're nuts are now referred to as "yams"

   After all the upsets today. Cathy from the mailroom is gonna win a $hitload of money off her "Bracket thingy" this year..

   Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

   A Hitler 'stache aint cool bro, esp when its just your nose hairs

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other..... Let the games begin.

   I've got Alexander Graham Bells telephone number....... 1-