Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You see a lovely group of friends at a dinner party, I see a bunch of people being forced to hold in their farts.

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Fortune cookie from last night. "Bad luck, and misfortune, will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity." What's this. Some kind of sick Chinese joke.

   I will never let my life be defined by my reactions to what other people think, say or do. Greatness lies just past pettiness.

   For the record, nerd girls punch harder than nerd guys

   I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years

   What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous? I stare... I smile... And when I get tired I put the mirror down!

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   he drew a flower on the ky intense box.....sigh, ...i love him

   i'd be willin to bet not one of those swamp people EVER thought they'd have their own show

   I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes.

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..

   Wanna see if your girl has a real sense of humor? Tell her the ginormous zit under her nose makes her look like Marylyn Monroe!

   My favorite way to piss a girl off is to keep accidentally calling her Nicole.

   all about the status ..bite me...hows that? are ya gonna hand pick this one??

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Herpes is just a contagious pimple. It's not like other stds, like kids or something.

   Why even hit on chicks this weekend? I've already been fuc$ed once this week by gas prices.