Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hipsters: being uncool on purpose since 1979...don't believe me? I heard it on vinyl...

   loves a liquid lunch!!

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   Skinny jeans are like calories....easy to put on, impossible to take off

   I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem

   The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!

   Has anyone attempted "The Drive Thru" in reverse??

   After I die, there are some girls on facebook I’m going to haunt the s&it out of.

   I love honeymoon but without the marriage.

   Go ahead lady, make a scene about how fast the bus driver is trying to get to my stop while I record it on youtube and titled it, Uppercutt Part II - "the story of the left hook"

   Ladies, is wrong to say that all men want is to get into your pants... some of them want to rip them off.

   I'm gonna wear dockers with my Hawaiian shirt to work this Friday

   You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.

   Girls really seem to dig it when a dude has an overwhelming inability to become emotionally close with anyone, especially them.

   Apparently rumors were going around that the Hip Hop reggae artist known as "Shaggy" had died due to a stabbing in a bar last week. Mr. Boombastic reassured all of his fans by saying "It Wasn't Me"

   a foot tattoo on a guy considered gay?

   whoever said "Haste makes waste" never watched me eat a pizza!

   So I'm looking in the fridge and I see a quart container with a yellow liquid in it. We always put pineapple in those, so I think "Yeah, pineapple will go good with that!". So, long story short, I made a vodka and egg drop soup.

   May the groundhog perish in the 2013 Nor'easter!