Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   Who am I sad passed away? Anwer: Alex Trebek.

   I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!

   Hates when vegans say, “nice to meat you,” instead of, “nice to plant you.”

   I've seen umpteen Facebook posts from folks claiming it would be their last. Nope.

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   Daylight Saving Time. Where we lose an hour of eating.

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.