Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.

   I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove I had purchased a donut.

   Before the election I was getting a dozen political calls a day. Now nothing. I feel so lonely.

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Who is gonna clean the wall after it's built?

   Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, but no Mexicans. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

   It's hump day, and international women's Day ... so make sure you hump as many international women as you can.

   Trump's healthcare defence is similar to his "grab them by the P" defence. Bill said much worse than I did. Their plan is much worse than my plan. I believe that is known as the loser's limp reaction.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   Who am I sad passed away? Anwer: Alex Trebek.

   I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!

   Hates when vegans say, “nice to meat you,” instead of, “nice to plant you.”

   I've seen umpteen Facebook posts from folks claiming it would be their last. Nope.

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.