Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is too short to date ugly men!!!

   The Lord works in mysterious ways...like when he sent that alligator to drag the toddler off, right in front of his horrified parents. It's all part of His wonderful, divine plan! How mysterious.... Amen!

   I was thinking....it's going to be really weird when Biden moves into the White House and has to share a bed with Trump because he refuses to leave

   Liberal = hypocrite. YOU: must do as I say ME: must do what feels good

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause it didn't pay child support for its 7 kids by 6 baby mamas

   poor Gary Coleman...he lived such a short life.

   Man that Game of Thrones is a much better fictional novel series than the Bible ever is.

   When I was a kid I thought there was nothing cooler than riding in a limousine, but as I got older I realized you could also do drugs in a limousine...

   Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.

   What do you get a liberal for Christmas? A tent so they can not work like the rest of them.

   Obama says Bashar crossed the "red line" after using chemical weapons. So it's ok to kill thousands but don't you dare use chemical weapons.

   If Romney gets elected, I hope Kanye interrupt his speech and talks about how Obama should have won.

   being an atheist must be hard. whenever someone is sad you can never tell them ‘God has a plan’ you have to come up with a logical reason

   Doctor: "You have Cancer and Alzheimer's" Patient: "At least I don't have Cancer!!"

   due to welfare, idiot tax payers like me have to work on weekends. Your welcome.

   God made your butt Crack up and down because if it were sideways when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf

   woman are magic. They can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard

   While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it......thanks a lot Mario Kart.

   god is a myth created by those who need someone to blame

   2 large ships stuck in ice during Antarctic summer. One of them an icebreaker. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.