Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.

   Nothing is more disturbing than going into a public restroom and sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   I bet the tickle fights in jail are legendary.

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   Why do people even bother to say stuff like, “Please say hi to so and so for me” when we all know very well that message is never passed on?

   Yes creepy guy at work , we all know what you mean when you talk about eating your wife's fish taco...

   Since Disney now owns Star Wars and the new one will be out this year, featuring Princess Leia. That would now make her a Disney Princess.

   I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.

   I tried taking up the guitar recently to impress girls but they were disgusted when I could only get the neck in.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth, so I get it grils. I get it.

   what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Hillary Rodham Clinton

   RIP Nelson Mandela, your 'I have a dream' speech touched me - Paris Hilton

   my wife gets all excited when Colonel Angus comes over

   I'm gay

   I wear knit hats because its cold outside, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

   You know your a Packer fan when you consider your season a success by beating the 'Bears' and not by rings on your fingers

   Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, "This year we should try Greece." His partner looks up and ask him. "Whts wrong with the Vaseline?"