Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried taking up the guitar recently to impress girls but they were disgusted when I could only get the neck in.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth, so I get it grils. I get it.

   what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Hillary Rodham Clinton

   RIP Nelson Mandela, your 'I have a dream' speech touched me - Paris Hilton

   my wife gets all excited when Colonel Angus comes over

   I'm gay

   I wear knit hats because its cold outside, you wear knit hats because of Coldplay

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

   You know your a Packer fan when you consider your season a success by beating the 'Bears' and not by rings on your fingers

   Gay dude was reading a holiday brochure then he tells his partner, "This year we should try Greece." His partner looks up and ask him. "Whts wrong with the Vaseline?"

   Titties without nipples would be pointless!!

   I just met you and this is crazy but I wanna see your titts show me maybe?

   If the show is called America's Got Talent, how come Howie Mandel is hosting it?

   ♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫Sorry iv forgot the words :o)

   We made Gingerbread Man cookies today, and I'm still laughing. My kids were acting out Shrek with them, and one was Lord Farquad: "I'm not the monster, you are! Now tell me where are the others!" The other was the GBM: "Eat Me!" Christmas with kids = win

   life is too short to date ugly men!!!

   I was thinking....it's going to be really weird when Biden moves into the White House and has to share a bed with Trump because he refuses to leave

   The Lord works in mysterious ways...like when he sent that alligator to drag the toddler off, right in front of his horrified parents. It's all part of His wonderful, divine plan! How mysterious.... Amen!

   Liberal = hypocrite. YOU: must do as I say ME: must do what feels good