Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have pet peeves-I have major psychotic f##cking hatreds!!!

   It seems what America should really be having is loan shark week.

   When America was great, we were enemies with Russia. Just saying.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. no hope and no jobs. Hope nothing happens to kevin Bacon.

   The people have spoken. Now Women, GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN

   African dictators have been filling government positions with their family and friends for years. It's about time America caught up.

   I went from fat to fit ... but only on the "how do you compare physically to the President" scale.

   thought Brett Farve was done throwing TD passes to Greenbay Packers....does last nights touchdowns count towards his Packer stats?

   next time my name is in your mouth I hope you choke on it ass =)

   learned that you should never say "boom" at the airport. looks like i'm missing my flight

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   When I have visitors in town, my tour guide instincts kick in and I show them as much as I can. “That's the grocery store I go to.” “I work out there.” “I've made out with a girl on that bench.” “I've peed behind that dumpster." I hope

   some people are so stupid, if their brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M

   All I needed was the kit but they made me buy the whole kaboodle.

   I just played FARKLE against somebody from across the World, and yet we had a mutual friend! My opponent knows Pamela Anderson too!

   There is really quite nothing like the flavor of a rejected Facebook friendship invitation.

   If practicing your autograph is g@y, I don't wanna be straight.

   Do NOT download the Mel Gibson app on your new iPhone. It attacks all your other apps, then implodes.

   During a speech at Columbia University, founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, said his rival at Apple, Steve Jobs, has done a fantastic job. Then Gates froze up and had to be restarted. :)

   I can finally sympathize with women after I had to make a CVS trip at 2 am because my XBOX controller ran out of batteries.