Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to thanks Jesus for a Monday I did not have to experience this week.

   Just been added on facebook by a tin of "pork luncheon meat". Reported it as spam

   If FOOD was a WOMAN i'd Marry her...

   I don't exactly hate her but if she is in fire and I have water I will drink it

   You know you're in love when you're standing in line at Forever 21 making a return on a dress and panties that your girlfriend was too embarrassed to do herself!

   I hate when I'm singing and some idiot thinks they can join in with me. B*tch this is not High School Musical.

   The DJ played The Twist I did the twist. He played Jump I jumped. He played Come on Eileen...He called the cops.

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   Few people alive can resist the temptation to look at the tissue after they sneeze, even fewer after they wipe.

   On September 31st 2011 Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all while singing ”I Will Survive”. Then, and only then, will Mark Zuckerberg come down y

   I turn my pillow several times in the night because I like the cold side.

   you know your high when you wait for a stop sign to change color.

   Mathematics may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution.

   Have you ever posted something in your status just to see how quickly someone will 'like' it?

   Thanks for posting those pics. Are you trying to seduce me?!

   thinking... Since the world is ending tomorrow; meaning today is the last full day of life ... I'm thinking about hosting a Pre-Rapture Sex Party. Message me for the details! ;)

   "two managers 1 cup..." could get quite messi tomorrow

   Nobody believes you're serious until the first nose is broken.

   Never trust a man that comes out of a bathroom with dry hands...

   MLIA view Today, one of my friends said to me if you say "Gullible" really slow, it sounds like ice cream. I said "Ice Cream" really slow and then I said, "Wow! It does!" He responded with, "No, you're supposed to say gullible slowly." And I reply with,