Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects.

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   **News Flash** The real NFL refs will be back on the field tonight for the Browns/Ravens game. In other news, Footlocker hired a bunch of people and are now fully staffed again.

   Fellaz; Stop whining about being friend zoned. I'm sure it's an upgrade from the usual “Never in a million year”, “Not if you were the last man on earth” or “leave me the hell alone”. At least you are not in the dead zone.

   Taylor Swift waved at a boy the other day but he didn't wave back.. So she's bringing a new album

   ahhhhh....the muscle relaxers are finally kicking in.....they work SO much better when you take them with a half bottle of vodka. Wonder why it doesn't recommend that on the prescr

   Ladies, if he's wearing a hat in every picture; guess what's under that hat. Yep, nothing…

   No horror movie will ever scare me as much as Courage The Cowardly Dog scared me.

   If anyone wonders what a difference a year can make in someone's life....allow me to explain......if someone had told me a year ago....that Lance Armstrong and I would have the same number of Tour de France wins....I would have argued with them....but now

   Fellas; I don't think you realize how much your ability to kiss affects your chance of any future action.

   She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.

   Lil wayne looks like a monkey that went into a Tattoo parlor ate the folders of pictures of tattoos and then shat ir out

   There is a name for people without beards.... Women!

   If on Father's day you don't post a picture of your dad carrying you as a baby, I'm not sure you really "love" him.

   Our breakup was due to religious differences. She didn't think I was God.

   "By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science; " specially when you stalk people.

   I hate the Discovery Channel. I just wasted a bunch of money on 90 ton test fly line.

   Women are as horny as men; they just hide their b0ners better.

   If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.