Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shot an Elephant in my pajamas.... How he got in my pajamas i'll never know.

   (_|_) (_/_) (_\_) doin the Happy Dance!!

   To who ever invented the padded bra... THANK YOU

   Going to go back in time and have sex with all the Golden Girls, and Angela Lansbery.

   notices that ever since they invented Viagra; I never get called to 'stand=in' for John Holmes anymore....

   wondering, if a turtle had no shell, would it be homeless or naked?

   Rehab is for quiters

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   FACEBOOK ALERT: Lebron James is now in a relationship with Lebron James.

   Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?

   Whatta ya call Kellyann in 6 months? A waitress....

   I can think of one group of workers who are doing much better under this Trump presidency....comedians

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his blue tooth earpiece

   Gene Simmons killed... what the hell was he doing in libya

   OMG!!! I am so f'd up...I drank so much last night..i woke up in my own vomit! Party!....woohoo!..I just chugged more vodka to cure the hangover!.....(this didn't happen, just wanted to fit in in Facebook).

   You think 7 years for a mirror is bad try breaking a condom

   If you are single maybe it's not everyone else, maybe it's you!

   Steelers menu tonight: 4 & 20 black (dirty) birds baked in a pie!

   Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me.