Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality

   How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

   Too bad the Russians couldn't influence the vote in the House today. Trump might have a chance to win if they could.

   Trump is researching if he has the power to kick Rosie O'Donnell out of the USA. Um, shouldn't he be focused on better and more important issues? He has some weird priorities.

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   Sometimes just thinking of two fat people with really huge stomachs trying to hug each other is enough to make my day.

   Now we have to see our suspected gay FB friends under a colored rainbow app...

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   I would rather read a spooky story than seeing someone using 'fingers crossed' expression.

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check

   Amnesia is the most common side-effect of Rohypnol. Other common side effects include Vomiting,Irritabillity,Dizziness, and getting raped.

   I saw some stupid thugs outside of JC Penny's with their pants a saggin'...Idiots had no idea that the pants 20% off was inside the store.

   It's awkward when a sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.

   Thunder only happens when it's raining..Players only love you when they're playin..

   Hot cashier: "Would you like cash back?" Me: "Id rather have your phone number." Yep it worked.

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   Time lives forever so how can the Mayans predict Time when Time existed long before they even started to make a calender....That's like Snooki saying she'll look hot 103 years from now.