Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you listen to your heart please see a doctor cause it isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you.

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!

   Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.

   still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.

   just separated 48 banana Runts from the other flavors out of the box. I feel like I just deprived a village of tiny monkeys food for a month

   BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder. I'm not surprised, the poor b-starrds are f-kin tiny.

   "Silence is the best answer for all questions" "Smiling is the best reaction in all situations".

   Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the b**ch button.

   Everyone does about ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

   We all want the shining red apple at the top of the tree, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's already lying on the ground.

   Protester Fail: Every Guy Fawkes mask you buy to show your support sends a royallty to Time Warner, one of the largest corporations in America.

   that moment when your standing out in the dark waiting for the bus and its a No school day..

   Floozies are always talking about their hot bodies and cute faces but never about their brain.

   If Easter Egg hunting was an Olympic event, I would have at least 4 Gold Medals by now. I'm not sure why it is, but I have this extraordinary sixth sense.

   Hell just installed bunk beds - I heard Osama bin Laden got the bunk under Saddam Hussein....

   procrastination personified.

   Why do I feel like the garbage can in my house is a game of Jenga & nobody told me we were playing??

   Lazy Rule Nos 7, 8 & 9: Errr, oh Just use Rule No.1 !!!

   wondering if there's a business in Facebook psych evaluation? after reading status after status you would think instead if it saying "what's on your mind?" it says "how crazy do you want your friends to think you are?"