Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   What if Pitbull hasn't really slept with all those girls and he is just bragging?

   I want a person to come into my life by accident, but stays on purpose.

   Trying to change my ways.......Now when I pick my nose, I don't wipe it on people anymore.

   Why the hell would you hire me at this waxing salon if I can't dress up as Zorro and shape a "Z" into everyone's pubes?

   You know your ''OLD'' when your age is higher than the whole Womens Olympic Gymnastic Team!!!

   Second black out in India in two days......They really need to upgrade those tech support phone line so this will quit happening.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper....The closer it gets to the end the faster it spins!!!

   Saying ''Oh Yeah, I remember!'' when you have no idea what their talking about!

   I'm just a Flintstones girl, trying to make it in a Transformers world.

   I wonder when people without cars pick their noses...

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   GIRL TALK: Leaving me gasping for air after we have sex wins you a second round.

   typos are totally acceptable on Fcaeobok...

   Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?

   I miss you. The old you. The new you sucks!

   My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)

   The best part of having relatives over is that feeling you get when you shut the door behind them as they leave.

   If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden.

   What if gravity was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always crap on the floor to clean up...... Wait!,, Just hear me out bro.