Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Counting to Ten" when someone pisses you off, works much better if don't count "out loud" while they are talking to you!

   I'm not tring to impress you but I can swim without floatieessss

   I forget. How on Earth did we ever find out what the weather was like before Facebook?....Oh, now I remember, we looked out the window.

   It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!

   I was going to wish you a happy birthday but Facebook was down

   When a girl calls you by the wrong name, that's just spontaneous role-play, right?

   would happily join one of these "occupy" movements, if only they were looking to occupy a Dunkin' Donuts.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths.

   if facebook was a school, I swear i'd have perfect attendance.

   Ladies; Your eyebrows will either make you or break you.

   Erasers can be your best friend and be like "Oh hey, you need this erased? No problem, I got you." While other times, they can be like"OH HEY I THINK YOUR PAPER NEEDS A SMUDGE RIGHT HERE, LET ME TAKE CARE OF THAT FOR YOU".

   I hope one day you will grow older than your ego.

   uuuggg one of these days I would like to wake up independantly wealthy so I can go back to bed!

   If opposites attract I am obviously looking for a noble prize winner who isn't awesome!

   that moment when you're dancing like a mad man in your car and completely stop when another car pulls next to you

   imagine asking the incredible hulk to open a pickle jar?

   My boss just said can you come in my office. It turns out we meant different things

   my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??

   brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection

   a cheap little bb gun, sometimes it shoots to the right, sometimes it shoots to the left, and sometime it doesn't work at all. Kinda like a politician!