Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Probably won't see War Horse. I'd definitely think about seeing a movie titled Skirmish Pony.

   My wife just said shes going to live in Estonia for 15 months! PARTY AT MY PLACE!!!

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?

   The older your Facebook post, The "Creepier " your like becomes.

   To beer or not to beer? thats the question but what is the answer?

   Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

   never fish deeper than you can wiggle your worm

   Her: Leg or breast? Me: You know I'm an Breast man. Her: Sir, this is KFC.

   Two words that should never be together: Redneck Couture

   "Counting to Ten" when someone pisses you off, works much better if don't count "out loud" while they are talking to you!

   I'm not tring to impress you but I can swim without floatieessss

   I forget. How on Earth did we ever find out what the weather was like before Facebook?....Oh, now I remember, we looked out the window.

   It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!

   I was going to wish you a happy birthday but Facebook was down

   When a girl calls you by the wrong name, that's just spontaneous role-play, right?

   would happily join one of these "occupy" movements, if only they were looking to occupy a Dunkin' Donuts.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths.

   if facebook was a school, I swear i'd have perfect attendance.