Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4692 of 6369
A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.
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08-07-2015 14:50
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You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?
I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.
I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.
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10-12-2015 02:16
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Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..
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10-17-2015 12:38
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Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son
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11-12-2015 17:00 by snotty
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If there were only some way I could change my profile pic here on Facebook with minimal effort on my part and a simple click of a button that shows I support a good cause.....Someone needs to get on this.
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11-16-2015 19:04 by TimmyT
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Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're driving through a McDonald's.
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12-05-2015 01:23
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65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.
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12-07-2015 10:19 by snotty
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HER: This is an emergency, so its women and children first! ME: Lady, it's just a breakfast buffet...
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09-13-2013 14:47 by Baddie
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I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.
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09-23-2013 12:59
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I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities
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09-23-2013 13:42
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If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.
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10-16-2013 15:13
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I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle
"Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.
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11-19-2013 17:07 by JMc
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Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.
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02-24-2011 22:03
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still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.
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02-24-2011 23:27 by J0eBl0ws
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just separated 48 banana Runts from the other flavors out of the box. I feel like I just deprived a village of tiny monkeys food for a month
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02-27-2011 15:56
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BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder. I'm not surprised, the poor b-starrds are f-kin tiny.
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06-06-2011 14:40
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"Silence is the best answer for all questions" "Smiling is the best reaction in all situations".