Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   must be stored in a cool dry place away from sunlight.

   blind man walking past fish market says, "Hello, ladies."

   I was at the red light beside a car load of mexicans when a semi ran over top them. I thought, dang that could've been me. So I got my CDL's

   What is the scariest thing about a white person in prison? You know he did it.

   Oops, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know that you were a Special Needs Person. Until you said, “I don’t like The New President of the United States of America.”

   "Things to not say on an airplane?" Hmm. Let me think......................"Islamic prayers?"

   A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

   The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a crap what your name is

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it!

   If Americans are so angry about illegal border crossings, why does the national anthem start with 'Jose can you see?'

   IF A MALE AND FEMALE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM 8 HOURS A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK ITS GONNA HAPPEND SONNER OR LATER

   Stephen Hawking has died. Now he will have to face the God he said does not exist.

   If Obama can break the rules, so can the Patriots dammit.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

   Dems hate rich people except those who can sing, act or play a sport...

   What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? A dart.

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   We go together like salt and slugs.