Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not the droid you're looking for.

   If Americans are so angry about illegal border crossings, why does the national anthem start with 'Jose can you see?'

   IF A MALE AND FEMALE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM 8 HOURS A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK ITS GONNA HAPPEND SONNER OR LATER

   Stephen Hawking has died. Now he will have to face the God he said does not exist.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

   If Obama can break the rules, so can the Patriots dammit.

   Dems hate rich people except those who can sing, act or play a sport...

   What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? A dart.

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   We go together like salt and slugs.

   Make money like a man, spend it like a woman.

   All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   So Pete saw his shadow today...that means 6 more feet of winter right???

   For men who think.."A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the Knives are kept!

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   Hoes wanting to see 50 Shades Of Grey over the SpongeBob movie is what is wrong with this world.