Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? A dart.

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   not the droid you're looking for.

   We go together like salt and slugs.

   Make money like a man, spend it like a woman.

   All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   So Pete saw his shadow today...that means 6 more feet of winter right???

   For men who think.."A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the Knives are kept!

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   Hoes wanting to see 50 Shades Of Grey over the SpongeBob movie is what is wrong with this world.

   Cannot wait for this new Magic Mike movie -Said no man ever

   I tried j*rking off with my left hand and, it doesn't feel so right

   "I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?