Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Canada doesn't want you. Why would be buy something that's broken?

   69 + 69 = dinner for four. . .

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   just downloaded this new app called iColi... it's sick!

   I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Playboy magazine smiling next to Charlie Sheen...

   What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

   Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

   One nicely manicured pu$$y is worth two in the bush.

   Peope say to me, "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "would you put bumper stickers on a Ferrari?"

   must be stored in a cool dry place away from sunlight.

   blind man walking past fish market says, "Hello, ladies."

   I was at the red light beside a car load of mexicans when a semi ran over top them. I thought, dang that could've been me. So I got my CDL's

   The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a crap what your name is

   Oops, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know that you were a Special Needs Person. Until you said, “I don’t like The New President of the United States of America.”

   "Things to not say on an airplane?" Hmm. Let me think......................"Islamic prayers?"

   A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it!

   What is the scariest thing about a white person in prison? You know he did it.