Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.

   Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

   I have planned to be very spontaneous today

   The future is not a place where you go, It's a place you create.

   Whenever I see a fat kid walking I think to myself "why walk when you could just roll"?

   Don't you dare come back running to me when you get treated the exact same way you treated me.

   Too many funerals and not enough graduations. Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

   someone accused me of being patronizing! that means I treat people like their stupid.

   Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.

   I tell people secrets, it makes them like me.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   Remember, if you don't sin Jesus died for nothing

   I like to write out my self-worth in roman numerals. It looks so much more impressive.

   well America looks like you can kill little girls and get away with it these days...Who wants to track down Bieber with me?

   If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs

   A rich girl on a safari tour in South Africa saw a crocodile for the first time.... and screamed, Oh my God! LACOSTE

   I may have opened the door, but you entered of your own free will.

   Dear "LOL".....Thanks for helping me make people think their jokes were funny.