Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who's in bed with their phones ?

   COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling?

   Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   My ex-girlfriend gave me a sweetest day card. Ok, it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts

   Men, women don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion.....in a deeper voice.

   so,I went to vote tonight...when I went to up to the machine, They said,"if you like your votes,you can keep your votes".....but,when I went to put my ballot in,it suddenly spit out a message that said "your votes are substandard,and are being cancelled.B

   If she treats you like an option, leave her like a choice.

   Warning. This property is protected 4 nights a week by a guy with a 12 gauge shotgun. You guess the nights.

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   wondering if Sarah Palin can still see Russia from her house.

   The definition of Vegetarian is an Indian word for bad hunter. . .

   If you are sick or in some kind of trouble and I send you prayers, please note that I don’t really care about you otherwise I would get off my ass and do something practical for you.

   I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call, private message me, just don't be related. . .

   I am ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture.

   It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.

   I'm amazed at the high cost of meat lately. I went to the grocery store to buy a beef roast but sadly discovered that they don't have lay away.

   With my luck, the love of my life was on that plane.

   New 1 minute porno to be made, going to be called Done in 60 seconds!