Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This chick has a couple of good ideas that I would like to motorboat.

   Seriously though, what color was that dress?

   A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

   Oprah wants to buy the LA Clippers? The only dribbling she knows are the ones she gets on the corner of her mouth when she sees red velvet cheesecake.

   Wait!!! Just exactly how does a cheese grater make cheese greater?

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   This homeless dude comes to me and ask for money. He said “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said “Don’t worry. It still states the same.”

   When one door closes and another window opens you are probably in prison.

   Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.

   Jack Bauer has 24 hrs. to stop the Christians from ending the world!

   was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   ppl dying, couples fighting just alot of unhappy ppl out there! Its times like this we need to tell the ppl we care bout the most we love them! Just stop what ur doing call ur girl, man, moms, dad or whoever & tell them you love them!

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?

   Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.

   Write down your crush's name on a piece of paper. Then eat the piece of paper. Don't post this, because nothing will happen. Tomorrow morning, you may be sick from eating the piece of paper..

   I would like to take this moment of silence for the black eyed peas career.... (grunting.... plop.... flush)

   I'm so hungry I even ate all the yellow Starbursts

   I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome. 

   My wife is decorating our kitchen in a Cartoon Theme. She loves what I just got her for her birthday- The Official Scooby Doo Rofl Iron. Your Relcome Honey!

   "You are very squishy. So I shall name you squishy. And you shall be my little squishy."