Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!

   I can't wait for the Columbine themed episode of Glee.

   so tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and Jesse James...it happens to everybody just ask me about my "X"!

   preparing for confession. Anyone have an unused condom?

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   On Saturday night the House narrowly passed the healthcare bill. They say the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But she hasn't blinked since what, 1982?

   wants you to give it up for his band Sexual Chocolate

   Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

   Picturs of the queen naked.....Oopps! this is'nt Google

   Damn girl your skinny! I rolled blunts fatter then you but you've been passed around more!

   Donald Trump is running for president. Are we on Candid Camera?

   Every time I eat a powdered donut, I try not to look like I just left Charlie Sheen's house.

   I don't always get erections at Burger King. But when I do, their a whopper!

   Has Fox News blamed Obama for Nancy Reagan's death yet?

   Sitting here with Paula Deen & Phil Robertson watching Roots on tv drinking beer

   Letting people know they're idiots is my religion.

   I just realized the one single thing that would preclude me from becoming a biker. I bathe.

   Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it?

   Every time I go on vacation, my wife gets pregnant. I should take her with me next time.

   She's trained right when you roll up to pump fuel, and she jumps out to clean the windows.