Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

   Picturs of the queen naked.....Oopps! this is'nt Google

   Damn girl your skinny! I rolled blunts fatter then you but you've been passed around more!

   Donald Trump is running for president. Are we on Candid Camera?

   Every time I eat a powdered donut, I try not to look like I just left Charlie Sheen's house.

   I don't always get erections at Burger King. But when I do, their a whopper!

   Has Fox News blamed Obama for Nancy Reagan's death yet?

   Sitting here with Paula Deen & Phil Robertson watching Roots on tv drinking beer

   Letting people know they're idiots is my religion.

   I just realized the one single thing that would preclude me from becoming a biker. I bathe.

   Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it?

   Every time I go on vacation, my wife gets pregnant. I should take her with me next time.

   She's trained right when you roll up to pump fuel, and she jumps out to clean the windows.

   I'd rather be trapped under a train than to listen to a song by Train.

   I've run out of tampons, so i'm going to spend the next few days upside down.

   My husband is so nice to our new cleaning lady. The house gets so hot during the day so he lets her wear a small skirt and a bra.

   People who believe in God shouldn't be allowed to complain about the weather.

   At least men and women agree on one thing...they both don't trust men.

   Unless you want to have ugly kids, never marry a girl for her inner beauty.

   Hey Trump: As a guy who owns a bunch of casinos, maybe you're not the right person to tell us how certain things are "rigged."