Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a wheelchair athlete used WD-40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance?

   when Ronald Regan was in office we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office with no hope and no cash

   They say curiosity killed the cat. Which is true, because "curiosity" is also what I nicknamed my shovel.

   Maybe Obama should have pitched Obamacare on Shark Tank?

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   DID YOU KNOW......The tallest mountain on earth is under the ocean: Mauna Kea in Hawaii is 10,200 metres (33,465 ft) high. Mount Everest is 8,848 metres (29,029 ft) high.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   Lets face it tubby....YOUR FAT ! I am not going to sugar coat it,...cause you eat that to .

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status...After 5 it should default to 'Unstable'

   OMG = Obama Must Go

   If you want to worship someone who was tortured, killed, then came back to life, I'd say Wile E. Coyote should be it. He's the one who REALLY took one for the team.

   After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........

   Men who cry don't have nut sacks, they have testical purses.

   The Dough boy died of a yeast infection. He's survived by his wife Jayne & daughter, Dill Dough. Services to be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

   Last night I turned wine into vomit. Your move, Jesus.

   Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??

   headed back to 1988 to pick up a few thousand Microsoft stocks

   SUPERBAD and McLOVIN every minute of it.

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

   What a great interview on ABC. I especially loved it when James Comey says President Trump is a serial liar, treats women like “meat” and is a “stain” on all who work for him. Greatest show ever!