Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those Who Live Simply Sleep Peacefully

   What is the weight limit on this roller coaster ??.....Because I am a little over my goal weight right now!!

   if you can't win an argument, correct their grammar instead.

   "I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that bad?" ''You spelled dad wrong."

   Dog diary: Me and my master played all day long! Cat diary: Day 147 of captivity.

   was talking to the group of cute nurses after work and I told them I have a new SUV. One of them said, "What about the rain forest or the ice glaciers?" I said, "It has 4 wheel drive - we can go anywhere!"

   Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that

   Ask for the B.P special at Red Lobster. Shrimp Scampi and a free oil change.

   I was watching some trailers at my local cinema when to my surprise a movie came on.

   Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

   if love were a blow pop then I would blow you forever.

   Doesnt matter if you own a DSLR, that doesnt means you are a photographer.

   Last night I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

   He has so much thoughts and prayers to offer, he offered them to the wrong city. Best entertaining two and a half years so far!

   Trump: A Brazilian has coronavirus Pelosi and Schumer: A Brazilian oh my God how many people is that????

   If Rudy Giuliani gets a divorce in New York, are he and his wife still cousins?

   Anti-smoking efforts have saved 8 million lives. No wonder traffic sucks!

   We should have stopped the Nazis with jobs too, I think Hitler would have made a great baker.

   it too late to say hakuna matata to that lion?