Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Dough boy died of a yeast infection. He's survived by his wife Jayne & daughter, Dill Dough. Services to be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

   What a great interview on ABC. I especially loved it when James Comey says President Trump is a serial liar, treats women like “meat” and is a “stain” on all who work for him. Greatest show ever!

   Last night I turned wine into vomit. Your move, Jesus.

   Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??

   headed back to 1988 to pick up a few thousand Microsoft stocks

   SUPERBAD and McLOVIN every minute of it.

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!

   I can't wait for the Columbine themed episode of Glee.

   preparing for confession. Anyone have an unused condom?

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   wants you to give it up for his band Sexual Chocolate

   Picturs of the queen naked.....Oopps! this is'nt Google

   Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

   Damn girl your skinny! I rolled blunts fatter then you but you've been passed around more!

   Hey Trump: As a guy who owns a bunch of casinos, maybe you're not the right person to tell us how certain things are "rigged."

   Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it?

   Every time I go on vacation, my wife gets pregnant. I should take her with me next time.

   She's trained right when you roll up to pump fuel, and she jumps out to clean the windows.

   I'd rather be trapped under a train than to listen to a song by Train.