Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   greatest pickup line ever: "Some of my friends were talking about some video game and I don't want to sound like a loser in front of them.. so what's Black Ops?"

   kill illuminati. they want my soul, my mind, and my body.

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   "You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

   n't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

   we know its women's day today so ladies will you stop flooding facebook with ur stupid updates and liking other women updates.. its not your birthday

   Hey girl I want you to lay in my bed and pretend your knees hate eachother

   is thinkin'....Hey Charmin...I'm not a bear...my family and I DON'T get toilet paper stuck on our butts when we wipe....can you PLEASE think of a new ad campaign.... No. For Real. This one sucks...and it's starting to make me boycott EVER buying Charmin.

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.

   has logged out. You missed him by mere minutes

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   The villian in the new batman movie is named ''Bain''........I know that Obama has something to do with this!!!

   I got some new deodorant, instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells amazing!

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   They Say There Is No Better Christmas Gift The A Homemade One That's Why I Will Be Giving Everybody Crystal Meth This Holiday Season

   is a straight ally and today is National Coming Out Day. I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost.

   USED CAR FOR SALE CHEAP !!! Drives great, Low Mileage, Car trunk smells like chloroform and dead animals. Contact: Casey Marie Anthony, Inmate #08049710, at Orange County Jail, P.O. Box 4970, Orlando, FL 32802-4970, or call (407) 836-3400

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.