Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I squirt on you, consider yourself baptized in my love

   Oral in the morning.... because your breath smells like ass anyway.

   ...nice mouth on that Palin kid: I know somebody who needs to buy a new keyboard 'cuz the S, T, F, and you are completely worn out!!

   supposed to cross the street with the skeleton. But he didn't have the guts

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   just heard Miley Cyrus is releasing a new song and dedicating it to Perez Hilton...it's called "Party In The Cell Block A"......

   now knows what happened to Michael Jackson. South Africa made thousands of vuvuzela horns out of him.

   I'm beginning to hate these whiny liberal groups!!!!!! Always crying about something.

   How stupid is it when someone removes you as a friend, you ask them why and they say, "Why do you think, moron?"... Um, if I knew why, then would I be asking you dumbass?

   police are investigating the 7 winners of last weeks euro lottery syndicate, they dont believe that 7 people from liverpool actually had a job!!!

   Never shave your legs when you have goosebumps. I'm just sayin'.

   if corn oil is made from corn, vegtable oil made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

   Statistically 5/4 of peoplehave trouble with fractions.

   The difference between women and batteries is that batteries have positive sides.

   Remember, Eat Your School, Stay in Drugs &&& Don't Do Vegetables?.......Wait........

   I disagree... It's going to be a Great Friday!

   @Guys - We appreciate when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don't spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment.

   BOY: Hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: Good job son! GIRL: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: Where the hell is my gun?

   I hope we have a good weekend before the end of the world !!

   I took the pledge and will not text while I am driving because it is dangerous! I may check my email, update my Facebook status, make calls, and add appointments to my calendar, but I will NEVER text while I drive. ;)