Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   has logged out. You missed him by mere minutes

   Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.

   I got some new deodorant, instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells amazing!

   The villian in the new batman movie is named ''Bain''........I know that Obama has something to do with this!!!

   A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.

   is a straight ally and today is National Coming Out Day. I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost.

   They Say There Is No Better Christmas Gift The A Homemade One That's Why I Will Be Giving Everybody Crystal Meth This Holiday Season

   USED CAR FOR SALE CHEAP !!! Drives great, Low Mileage, Car trunk smells like chloroform and dead animals. Contact: Casey Marie Anthony, Inmate #08049710, at Orange County Jail, P.O. Box 4970, Orlando, FL 32802-4970, or call (407) 836-3400

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   Sarah Palin's son beats woman and yet she blames it on Obama? Haha, she should have raised a gentleman instead of a thug!

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is denied... just take out your ObamaPhone and call him.

   Wants to help Haiiti since they helped us out so much during Katrina

   "RIP Joe Frazier... I Can't Believe He's Gone...I'm still shaking" -Muhammad Ali-

   I disliked Obama before it was cool.......Yes I did!

   just another brick in the wall

   "Now in all good toy shops, batteries not included"