Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teach your child what's going on in the world by telling them Santa was killed in a drone strike in a no fly zone; or he's being held up in the vetting process.

   Did you guys hear about the new restaurant that's opened on the moon? Apparently the food is great but there's no atmosphere......

   Why is "Trump" and "Cruz" understood by some Americans, however those same Americans still don't know the difference between their, there, & they're.

   Have nothing against people from other countries. But one thing is for sure. they do not know how to drive in the U.S. no turn signal, no turn on red, ect...

   It's hard to get positive here for Nelson Mandela jokes, I guess you all were born in South Africa!

   A fox can only sound like that if you kick it in the balls. . .

   As I get off the rollercoaster that was 2013, I step into the elevator that is 2014, and press up. Sounds good on paper, anyway....lol

   Some people's Twitter and Facebook updates are like a china shop filled with wrestlers battling over all its contents; you can find nothing worthwhile to read yet. Please learn something before updating and making fun of yourself.

   If your manhood has become a bit green, floppy and scaly. you could be suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

   So now that she's dead, we can start putting booze in her drink. Right?

   Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman.

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight! :-D

   Global Warming would not be a problem if people would stop producing so much hot air complaining about Global Warming.

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   i will destroy you in the most beautiful way

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.

   238 years ago today, Thomas Jefferson wrote the ultimate breakup letter. You mad Britain? Merica.

   Solar flares...Thanks Obamacare

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.