Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend ...

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!

   hates it when I get a chain letter/email and I die the next day.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to put some whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to

   The people of England paid a heavenly price for the wedding of Cap'n Crunch ,. and didnt even get a lousy t-shirt...

   I can't remember where I put my xanex

   ...all this talk about eating disorders is making me hungry

   Why are people always trying to get into shape?? Round is a shape!

   iWon't make any lame Steve Jobs jokes

   more proof that hot chicks can get away with murder

   so many potential future ex girlfirends, so little time.

   just a thought... practice what you preach!!!

   Fool people into thinking you actually go outside by updating your Facebook status via your mobile phone

   Will you be my future ex girlfriend?

   new drinking game: everytime Charlie Sheen says something in an interview, you take a shot....5 minutes into an hour interview and I was drunk. :/

   World Cup 2010 Winner is Arge███████ loading 73%

   thinks the city of Cleveland should be more concerned about other things besides losing Lebron James. Things like...uh CRIME!