Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.

   Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.

   trump must be very frustrated that congress is full of people with principles that care about Americans. It makes it harder for him to improve America for the richest and whitest Americans at the expense of everyone else.

   I guess I missed the chapter in "The Art of the Deal" about getting rejected by the Freedom Caucus.

   My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."

   Hey everyone. Remember to leave out a riffle and some Budweiser, this 4th of July eve, or Kid Rock won't bring you any fireworks.

   Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.

   Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   My TV got hacked at Superbowl halftime. I saw a Puerto Rican Strip Club on Spanish language channel, old crotch grabbin' hussies.

   It started with a Bat. Then toilet paper. Now we are going nuts in quarantine. We really have gone Bat $#!t Crazy!

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Ah doan care what any of y'all say, ain't no man likes a tattoo on da tiddy.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

   I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

   TAMPAX is keeping their jobs in America now, too! Trump really must have had to pull some strings to keep them here!

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.