Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

   I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   If you don't see Snowden as a hero please unfriend me,. Save me the trouble of finding out later that your just effin sheep of the media.

   The FBI recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. My next question is, when will Donald Trump be indicted and for what?

   I've been thinking about this all morning. "Sir, why did you shoot me?" "I don't know." This is insanity. #CharlesKinsey

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   I have paid Tim Kaine to jack off my dog for entertainment purposes as recent as March of 2016

   Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   My TV got hacked at Superbowl halftime. I saw a Puerto Rican Strip Club on Spanish language channel, old crotch grabbin' hussies.

   It started with a Bat. Then toilet paper. Now we are going nuts in quarantine. We really have gone Bat $#!t Crazy!

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Ah doan care what any of y'all say, ain't no man likes a tattoo on da tiddy.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

   I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

   TAMPAX is keeping their jobs in America now, too! Trump really must have had to pull some strings to keep them here!

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.

   After the President asked for an intelligence audit, the FBI review showed that no signs of intelligence could be found at the White House.