Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

   I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   If I were gay Mike Pence would scare me more than Trump...

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.

   Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.

   trump must be very frustrated that congress is full of people with principles that care about Americans. It makes it harder for him to improve America for the richest and whitest Americans at the expense of everyone else.

   I guess I missed the chapter in "The Art of the Deal" about getting rejected by the Freedom Caucus.

   Just so you know, only looking out for yourself and abandoning everyone else isn't very Christian like. You know that's true.

   "I am the way, the truth and the lasagna." - Cheeses of Nazareth

   My TV got hacked at Superbowl halftime. I saw a Puerto Rican Strip Club on Spanish language channel, old crotch grabbin' hussies.

   It started with a Bat. Then toilet paper. Now we are going nuts in quarantine. We really have gone Bat $#!t Crazy!

   If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.

   I promise you it wasn't special treatment. McDonald's makes me wait for my fries every damn time. Nice try playing the hero and all.

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   The gender reveal device that started those fires in California must've said the kid was gonna be a flamer.

   Ah doan care what any of y'all say, ain't no man likes a tattoo on da tiddy.