Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear heart, next time ... Damn THINK!

   if you get caught cheating run...

   Instead of going thru all the trouble of getting in shape I think I'll just adopt a catchey nickname like "THE OVER WEIGHT LOVER HEAVY J"

   I guess Chely Wright really was looking for a 'Single White Female'.

   wants to wish everyone a happy Mother's Eve, not to be confused with Summer's Eve... a feminine hygiene product.

   Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

   The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

   got excited when he had a "Group Request" in Facebook. Sadly though, it wasn't even close to the type of "groups" he had dreams about ..

   You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

   finds the ginkgo biloba pill kinda funny...its for helping ur memory but you got to remember to take the pill in order for it to work

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your iPad with you. Be sure to wipe the screen when your done!!!

   To appreciate heaven , it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell

   Women should come with Miranda Rights....because if you say the wrong thing, it will come back to haunt you!

   If they made hats the size of some peoples brains they would be wearing a peanut shell.

   Now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.

   If it wasn't meant to be I really wish you would have told me sooner.

   The Lunesta commercials amuse me. It seems that enough people have taken a sleeping pill and then said "Well, I better go jump on that bulldozer and get some work done." That they feel it's necessary to tell people NOT to do it...

   waiting for Cmac to tap the microphone and say "Is this thing on?"

   Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the reply-all jackass in every mass email.