Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nerd Wedding: Instead of saying "I do" They say "I accept the terms & conditions"

   straddling the bowling ball return, pretending I'm laying eggs

   Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Life is short, so PARTY we must

   just opened my chinese take out box and a cat jumped out, I guess the airholes should've tipped me off.

   You are so ugly...as a kid, pedophiles used to give you candy to get out of the van.

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as excercise

   Just trying to see who reads my post. Describe me using only your Facebook password....

   The love of money is a root of all KINDS of evil (1 Timothy 6:10)

   A man's weakness is women and a woman weakness is money.

   Dear heart, next time ... Damn THINK!

   if you get caught cheating run...

   Instead of going thru all the trouble of getting in shape I think I'll just adopt a catchey nickname like "THE OVER WEIGHT LOVER HEAVY J"

   I guess Chely Wright really was looking for a 'Single White Female'.

   wants to wish everyone a happy Mother's Eve, not to be confused with Summer's Eve... a feminine hygiene product.

   Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

   The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

   got excited when he had a "Group Request" in Facebook. Sadly though, it wasn't even close to the type of "groups" he had dreams about ..

   You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

   finds the ginkgo biloba pill kinda funny...its for helping ur memory but you got to remember to take the pill in order for it to work

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town