Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   I'm working on my second million. I gave up on my first.

   Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I got to stop following these instagrame models. My girlfriends punches are starting to leave bruises.

   Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about

   I'm sure we all remember those days when we thought porn was also available on youTube

   KISS announced that they will not be performing at this year's Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get a killer performance from the other inductee Nirvana.

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys

   A woman`s biggest temptations ~ bags, shoes, & gossips. A man`s biggest temptation ~ a woman !!

   Would give Justin Bieber in return for missing plane.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   I'm the life of the party after I pass out.