Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Young Girls, Never ever never ever take pills from anyone and not expect you may get wasted and get taken advantage of....... Just a little advice I learned on the Cosby Show!

   Never break a person's heart. They one have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   I'm working on my second million. I gave up on my first.

   Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I got to stop following these instagrame models. My girlfriends punches are starting to leave bruises.

   Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about

   I'm sure we all remember those days when we thought porn was also available on youTube

   KISS announced that they will not be performing at this year's Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get a killer performance from the other inductee Nirvana.

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   Uh-huh...my underwear is!! -my excuse since Kindergarten. #stpattys