Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.

   I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.

   Free the Glutens! They have never had a country of their own!

   It's crazy to think that before Facebook all this crap stayed in people's heads

   Based on how many haunted mansions there are, it's clear I'll never be wealthy enough to be a ghost.

   Don't talk to me until I've had 7 coffees.

   There is an over abundant amout of "your thumbnail pic was hot but the full size pic made me shudder" on Facebook.

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   Be careful who you decide to take for granted, because once they find better, they are NOT coming back to your regretful ass.

   well, I gues I'm going to have to find a wife. These dishes aren't going to wash themselves...

   So......Snooki announced she's having a baby boy. Phew! That was close

   Moammar Gadhafi shades for sale........ replaced the lens where the bullet went through

   RIP Gaddafi. No? Ok.

   Turkey Bacon: Cause you suck at life.

   Ugh. Sometimes I just can't help f***ing up. I don't need an angel on my shoulder I need an etiquette instructor with a cattle prod.

   If you people would GET OFF THE PHONE you could drive better!

   Heading out downtown tonight better known as "No I don't have a cigarette or a dollar"

   I'm Frank with all of my dates. Wouldn't want them knowing my real name would i?

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable, it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out :)