Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.

   There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time...

   It:always Halloween at your house with all those skeletons in your closet.

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   I want a girl I'm proud enough of to show off to my family and friends

   There is a difference from being catwoman and catlady...

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street

   Did it for the vine. Court date pending ....

   Which one is Heckle and which one is Jeckle? And why did Mr. Hyde have to be a home wrecker?

   Dear Santa, Please get Apple to replace Siri with Channing Tatum

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   New Year, New Me!!! my @ss, woke up and it's still the same me.

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet

   i think the NFL may be getting close in over hyping the superbowl!

   I have childhood memories that I am not 100% sure actually happened or if I dreamed them I really do not know

   A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.