Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   I'm working on my second million. I gave up on my first.

   Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I got to stop following these instagrame models. My girlfriends punches are starting to leave bruises.

   Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about

   I'm sure we all remember those days when we thought porn was also available on youTube

   Based on what politicians say it appears they care more about my future than I do.

   If I cut you off,chances are high that you gave me the scissors

   I'd insult your intelligence if you had any. Sadly, your stupidity has no boundaries.

   So bored with being bored because being bored is boring!

   that annoying moment when you close the wrong tab

   Goals for 2014: 1) 2) 3) 4) Don't die