Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [parents visiting] MY DAD: Looks like you got about an inch of rain. *cut to my dad looking at my bong I left on the patio table* ME: Yep.

   either my mirror is WAY OFF, or I really do look like EVERY "before" picture ever.

   It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   Should we be surprised? Strange smelling smoke has been coming out of VW Kombi vans for years.

   You sound like someone I'd drown in a toilet.

   Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.

   There are too many functionally illiterate people in the world.

   I'm a pretty funny guy I'm told, But I went on a date with a woman the other night, she did NOT like by Bill Cosby Impersonation .

   If you ask for plastic grocery bags in Whole Foods, they put one over your head & suffocate you with it.

   Dear Young Girls, Never ever never ever take pills from anyone and not expect you may get wasted and get taken advantage of....... Just a little advice I learned on the Cosby Show!

   Never break a person's heart. They one have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   Have they invented the Sitbit yet ..its more my "fit"

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   "I've looked everywhere" to men is really.. "I gazed around the floor then opened and shut 3 cabinets"

   I just heard that Prince just went to Chyna.

   I picture Trump as president constantly logging into the White House twitter account and retweeting all the tweets from his account.

   Why in 2013 do semmingly smart broadcasters with english or journalism degrees continue to say "same exact"?? It's effing dumb stupid...

   If I'm guilty of anything, it's loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets, outstanding child support payments. But mostly loving too much.