Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most annoying thing is when you get a pimple on your nose, like I would rather get a pimple any where else but...

   Sticking a tongue out is kids' way of giving someone the middle-finger.

   will shoot at me or that I might drive over a bomb in the road today! Thanks to all who serve.

   A little slower please, pedestrian crossing the street. I don't really like making the green light anyway.

   I believe the stud finder is the most self-esteem raising carpentry tool

   If its any consolation, I didn't get lucky last night either.

   at the next awards' show, Lady Gaga will begin her performance by being squeezed from a cow's udders

   I'm not as dumb as you look!

   ...You cannot predict how people think because even cows cross the road in the pale moonlight

   Don't get mad when I don't do what you would have done, your rules don't apply to everyone else.

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "they" are just poor virgins

   Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.

   I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to say I give up and believe it. I want to say I'm moving on and do it.

   blonde: ugghh what does idk mean? random girl: I don't know! blonde: omg no one knows!!!!!!!!!

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   Just wrote a new song "I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You So Get Up and Answer The Phone Yourself"

   People have champagne taste with a beer budget in a materialistic world...

   Based on what politicians say it appears they care more about my future than I do.

   If I cut you off,chances are high that you gave me the scissors

   I'd insult your intelligence if you had any. Sadly, your stupidity has no boundaries.