Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May I borrow your pen? I promise to return it all chewed up and full of spit.

   you know you are great at sex when she tells her friends...and her family....and the police. :|

   Yeah yeah, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Better than a Dumb Fokker.

   I was walking down the road staring at my phone & tripped over a smart car.

   JAB, Can you only imagine how many people not on our friends list who are doing the same thing we're doing. Ignoring each other, it's been good ignoring with you.. have a good evening. . .

   Someone should really tell the ACM's it's COUNTRY MUSIC! Sad.

   "I had one stuffy nostril and one runny nostril..." is how I'm starting tonights suicide note

   Tonight I've used Brasso and leather soap! I imagine I smell like Joan Collins.

   ,,Bland salad,,,,, that needs adressing,!!

   I'm convinced that someone could start a facebook page that featured nothing but hideous women with three heads, and there'd still be guys that would comment, " Hola, mamacita, man joo shood come over to mi casa!"

   I hate when I’m all nice and snug in bed and my girlfriend is all like "Baaaabe I forgot my iPhone in your truck".........

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   If Downward Doggystyle counts, then yes, I do yoga.

   Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

   Just seen an ass so big, it probably has its own heart.

   it rude to shoot yourself in the face when someone's talking?

   I'm pretty stoked about June. I've got Amanda Bynes in the celebrity dead pool!!

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!

   I love pillow talk as much as the next guy but saying "Put your needle in my haystack" isn't exactly a confidence builder.