Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people wait their entire life for their status to be "liked"..not realizing that it has been p0sted a million times before..

   Having just watched Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptations, I have come to the conclusion that her sex tape is the closest she should have been allowed to acting. Damn you Tyler Perry.

   I "Country Music" hate you.

   It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   Let's get it straight. It's not about the, "Right to bear arms", it's about the, "Right to arm bears."

   May I borrow your pen? I promise to return it all chewed up and full of spit.

   you know you are great at sex when she tells her friends...and her family....and the police. :|

   Yeah yeah, I'm a Grammar Nazi. Better than a Dumb Fokker.

   I was walking down the road staring at my phone & tripped over a smart car.

   JAB, Can you only imagine how many people not on our friends list who are doing the same thing we're doing. Ignoring each other, it's been good ignoring with you.. have a good evening. . .

   Someone should really tell the ACM's it's COUNTRY MUSIC! Sad.

   "I had one stuffy nostril and one runny nostril..." is how I'm starting tonights suicide note

   Tonight I've used Brasso and leather soap! I imagine I smell like Joan Collins.

   ,,Bland salad,,,,, that needs adressing,!!

   I'm convinced that someone could start a facebook page that featured nothing but hideous women with three heads, and there'd still be guys that would comment, " Hola, mamacita, man joo shood come over to mi casa!"

   I hate when I’m all nice and snug in bed and my girlfriend is all like "Baaaabe I forgot my iPhone in your truck".........

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   If Downward Doggystyle counts, then yes, I do yoga.

   Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

   Just seen an ass so big, it probably has its own heart.