Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”

   *stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist

   Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

   A clean house and finish projects is the sign of someone who hasn't looked at Facebook in a while.

   Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.

   If a status update gets posted on Facebook and no one likes it did it really happen?

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   It was refreshing to see FB lit up with pics of your Halloween celebrations. Now it's back to your political rambling BS. Not to mention the soon to flood my timeline with your holiday BS.

   Goatees are just fanny-packs for faces.

   I would rather sit in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater while out on a date with OJ Simpson after having drinks at Bill Cosby's bar where they use Flint, MI ice cubes after taking an elevator ride with Ray Rice all while Casey Anthony babysits.

   Would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

   And the most googled topic right now is: How to move to Canada.

   Hot Kraft singles in your area are difficult to open, and really not good cheese anyway,,,, So....

   If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you

   It's 4am...time to start my day. Milk the horse, pluck the goats, plow the chickens, etc. First day as a farmer doesn't sound that hard.

   Swimming is basically having fun trying not to drown.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to that is until she got that restraining order.