Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield.

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   They say crime doesn't pay. So does that mean my job is a crime?

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   They can't prove none of your pants fit anymore if you never wear pants.

   Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!

   I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.

   So Wikileaks is real now, or did is the 21 russian hackers reported today fake?

   In school I think all of our wives got straight A's in buyology.

   Moms, Save money on cereal by putting generic cereal in a bran name box. That way the kids will never know their eating generic cereal.

   Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak

   Roses are red, facebook is blue no mutual friends, who the hell are you?

   It was refreshing to see FB lit up with pics of your Halloween celebrations. Now it's back to your political rambling BS. Not to mention the soon to flood my timeline with your holiday BS.

   Goatees are just fanny-packs for faces.

   I would rather sit in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater while out on a date with OJ Simpson after having drinks at Bill Cosby's bar where they use Flint, MI ice cubes after taking an elevator ride with Ray Rice all while Casey Anthony babysits.

   Would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

   And the most googled topic right now is: How to move to Canada.

   Hot Kraft singles in your area are difficult to open, and really not good cheese anyway,,,, So....

   If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you