Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   I can't find it, will you look for me? - Men

   How to tell if your wife/girlfriend will overreact: Is she a girl?

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   I'm so sick of all these Happy videos that I am really starting to get depressed.

   Young man, does your mother know you ask girls for nudes on social media?

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   [knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?"

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?

   Please Take Note: A Hogwarts degree isn't worth much in 2016.

   I've got two tickets to Crazy Town. Who wants one?

   Nothing like the days when you'd tell your parents you were at a sleepover, instead you'd feel like dying in a field from drinking too much vodka.

   The doctor said, I need to drink more whiskey....also I am now calling myself "The Doctor" now!

   Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon

   It's wierd, when my pet elephant comes into the room.. nobody talks about it.

   If there's a Joe Smoe from Idaho. He must be pi$$ed off !

   Springing forward sounds way more fun than it is.