Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Make America Great Again! Deport Trump...

   glad to see Obama giving Bush some recognition. He named the faultline under Haiti, "Bush's Fault."

   God I hate T-Party

   I wonder how many times Michelle reminds Barack that he's only half black??

   USA & UK... Two countries standing side by side fighting the terrorist!!!!

   If you are getting it for free, you have no right to complain about the quality.

   So the logical response to a perceived injustice in my town is to steal everything I can, then burn it down? Why didn't I think of that after my last parking ticket?

   Will someone please tell Kamala that she doesn't have to sleep with her boss to get a promotion this time ?

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Obama trying to find his birth certificate!

   AbbyBaby Kurt New pregnancy test for black woman was just released on the market. Insert banana in vagina, then remove after 10seconds. If banana is half missin, there's another monkey on the way!!!

   I got more moves than a bucket of worms

   From leading mobile phone company to leading mobile app company.. #BlackBerry

   I did very much enjoy the week long 'Almost Human" promotional movie. I loved the commercials that had the baseball too.

   I had a choice tonight to either watch the Redskins lose on Monday Night Football or clean the toilets in my house. Since I didn't feel like throwing up this evening I'm cleaning house

   The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.

   People with kids that don't have a fireplace have an issue in the morning..

   I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.

   Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons

   The best part about being fat and old is that I'll never have to look back and see pictures of me in skinny jeans