Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I loveee how my iPhone looks without a case but it's too risky......

   If your name is Kristen, Kirsten or Kristin, your little game of madness is over. You're all Bob now. Understood? No more of this nonsense.

   No worries, the Romney/Ryan camp is sending out folders of woman and a pair of magic underwear to all of the disgruntled supporters.

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   I had 'that talk' with my son last night. The one about drugs. You know, the one where I tell him I smoke pot

   Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics

   I heard Justin Bieber is going transgender to become a man. He is going to use the name Bruce Jenner. He has already been awarded 936 man of the year awards too

   accidentally blew my duck call backwards and I called in Carson Kressley from queer eye for the straight guy. That was weird

   When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 per hour.

   World Cup Soccer reminds me of poor mans hockey

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly

   Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Greg Hardy are collaborating on a new song with Chris Brown. It's sure to be a HIT.

   Not feeling smart today? There are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the Middle East to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.

   You're not a douche because you paint your face and dress up with spikes on your shoulder pads, you're a douche because you're a Raiders fan!!!

   I got 99 problems but a mother f**king jay z ticket aint one of them.

   persuade the Canadians to take back Justin Bieber like they have already taken our gold medal.

   told my husband, if you don't become more mature, you are going to erect a wall between us, he said hahahaha you said erect!!

   What's LOVE? In math: A problem... In history: A war... In chemistry: A reaction... In art: A heart...In me: You...

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.

   loves those nights that turn into mornings and those friends that turn into lovers