Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   ~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.

   Glad we finally found OBL. Now can we find the dead beat dads thats dont pay child support or play a role in their kids lives?

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....

   The one good thing Donald Trump has going for him is that the more he speaks the less ridiculous his hair seems by comparison.

   OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!

   "like a mime trapped in a box, you want out, but you cant yell for help. "

   was everyone this worked up when OJ was found innocent

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Sorry U.S. Football/Futball/Soccer team. You just weren't "Ghana" win.

   If I ever get married again, the woman I marry must have worked at Subway at some point in their life. I need to know they have experience making me sammiches. :-)

   If couples who are in love are called "LOVED BIRDS", then couples who argue should be called "ANGRY BIRDS".

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   I bought the book, Fear by Bob Woodward, what a fantastic read.

   Love is never having to use a c ondom.

   I loveee how my iPhone looks without a case but it's too risky......

   If your name is Kristen, Kirsten or Kristin, your little game of madness is over. You're all Bob now. Understood? No more of this nonsense.