Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever think that if it weren't for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .

   Yes, Peyton..... Choking is cover under the obamacare! -Mr President

   i'm a Maths terro$$ist with close ties to Algebra,i have weapons of math instruction.

   "You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?" ~Jim Bouton

   Why do people always make jokes insinuating that people who use crayons are crazy? I like my crayons! Especially the blue one. It makes my poo purple

   My wife worked my a$$ off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .

   Bernie Sanders said recently that he loves taking selfies. Well ... once he figures out how to take them on his rotary phone that is.

   In 30 years, it will be 1/23/45. Carry On.

   I am getting pretty low on Girl Scout Cookies.... Threat Level: Orange

   I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.

   I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for “American Idle"

   My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good.

   Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.

   I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.

   pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.