Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could of been locked up in a basement for 10 years. I could of missed Jersey Shore and that whole Bieber Fever thing!!

   all these crazy a$$ nuts with guns are making the gun nuts look bad...

   HAPPY HOT MAMA DAY... to all the MILFs out there! :)

   I don't think an athiest has the right to listen to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey!! Go listen to "Nothing Happens When You Die" and whine on your message boards!!

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.

   I'm pretty Fry for a Rice guy.

   I always feel a little bad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants... or lost his family in a fire.

   Hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go, to bust my a$$ for very little cash, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

   thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

   Yay NY!!! Now, if the gays could only legally smoke pot at their wedding...

   Duude girls don't poop. Period, they just dont!

   Passed out at 9pm. Woke up 10:30pm to sound of wife's vibrator. Went back to sleep.

   Dear you people. Why are you crying about the Home Alone 2 cut which was done in 2014???? Are you people really proud of being stupid?

   Experts say Donald Trump has suffered the worst week of his political career until next week.

   Crappy Ending (n): When a 45-minute massage ends with a police investigation.

   EDGE ▂ ▃ ▅ ▆ █

   My ex girlfriend auditioned for American idol. She said if she got through, she would be on "Cloud 9". I told her she was more suited for "Destrict 9"

   wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, I'd pee on you!

   I like my women like I like my coffee...hot and bitter!

   If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?