Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   Oh...wow, my wife gives great hand jobs while she's sleeping.

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!

   The rest of the world loves soccer. That's what Russia said about communism.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000

   somewhere there a stoner watching the news hearing about Ebola & they ask "a bowl of what"

   Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore

   Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

   "I like Trump because I'm sick of political correctness" translates to "I wish I could say the n-word in public, not just among friends."

   It's time for America to stop coddling idiots and ignorant people. Trump for President is the logical conclusion of the cuts in education that Republicans have been pushing for decades.

   If Trump becomes President ..... There will be Hell Toupee