Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   somewhere there a stoner watching the news hearing about Ebola & they ask "a bowl of what"

   Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   Day 8 Today I'm thankful for my drug dealer

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore

   Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

   "I like Trump because I'm sick of political correctness" translates to "I wish I could say the n-word in public, not just among friends."

   It's time for America to stop coddling idiots and ignorant people. Trump for President is the logical conclusion of the cuts in education that Republicans have been pushing for decades.

   If Trump becomes President ..... There will be Hell Toupee

   If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like I copied and pasted the same staus every single day.

   Clint Eastwood hasn't voted yet, he's still trying get his ottoman to stop talking back to him.

   Not to get technical ...but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

   I wish I could of been locked up in a basement for 10 years. I could of missed Jersey Shore and that whole Bieber Fever thing!!

   all these crazy a$$ nuts with guns are making the gun nuts look bad...

   Passed out at 9pm. Woke up 10:30pm to sound of wife's vibrator. Went back to sleep.

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.

   I'm pretty Fry for a Rice guy.

   I always feel a little bad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants... or lost his family in a fire.