Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK I made a wish at 11:11 , now its 11:12 still no midget house cleaners and Justin Beiber still has a career...what a crock

   age is just a number, yeah right!! and "too young" is just a name in china

   You wanna know how my day is going ?? My M&M's Melted in my Hand and Not in My Mouth !

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   This man just said he date homeless women because you can drop them off anywhere

   I wish the string on my weedeater had a Hollywood clip.

   “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the wine that is in the fridge

   Due to the economy I decided to grow my own food...I guess cotton wasn't the best choice, makes you soooo thirsty

   I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?

   Ugly girls who send their fine ass friends to holla at a guy for them should be arrested for grand misrepresentation.

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.

   I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.

   thinks It's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

   Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!

   Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.