Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when someone else buys the things I mentally claimed

   My dream car is 1969 Camaro with a pine tree airfreshenr hanging from the rearview and your girlfriend in backseat. Now all I need is a 1969 Camaro.

   It is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console.

   bad sex is like bad pizza: you finish it anyways, but wish you would have went somewhere else...

   OK I made a wish at 11:11 , now its 11:12 still no midget house cleaners and Justin Beiber still has a career...what a crock

   age is just a number, yeah right!! and "too young" is just a name in china

   You wanna know how my day is going ?? My M&M's Melted in my Hand and Not in My Mouth !

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   This man just said he date homeless women because you can drop them off anywhere

   I wish the string on my weedeater had a Hollywood clip.

   “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the wine that is in the fridge

   Due to the economy I decided to grow my own food...I guess cotton wasn't the best choice, makes you soooo thirsty

   I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?

   Ugly girls who send their fine ass friends to holla at a guy for them should be arrested for grand misrepresentation.

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.

   I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.

   thinks It's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.