Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   #you sound like you got a stimulus check. Not only is Trump your prez, he is your sugar daddy

   Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.

   Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.

   Anti hate groups protest hate groups for wanting to take away people's rights, by taking away their rights. That kids is a mental illness.

   First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.

   Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

   Humans have driven animals such as the Rhino to instinction, so when thousands of humans murder each other or perish in a natural disaster, thats just karma doing its job.