Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can you keep earth clean when it's made of dirt and water?

   Dear Boomtown Rats, It's true I can't tell you why YOU don't like Mondays, but here's a list of reasons why I don't....a) they start too early, b) they finish too late, c) they last ALL day, d) they just keep coming back EVERY FRICKIN WEEK. That is all.

   Lady Gaga... "Being asked to be godmother of Elton Johns son brought a lump to my throat." No Gaga that's called an adams apple, mate.

   it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!

   Just deleted all attractive people from his facebook friends list. Woah that feels better.

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   If you send me a "send this back" text, I will send it back to you 100 times.

   When I poke, I poke 2 fingers at a time, and I'm coming for your eyes!

   Its one of those days when even fortune cookies are against me.

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

   The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.

   Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.