Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.

   The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers?

   BP Says It Has Successfully Contained Flow of Information About Spill

   Money can't buy happiness? I just bought THE best package of vanilla frosting covered cupcakes of all time, for $5. I'm happier than a dog with two peters.

   There is nothing more convenient than putting on a pair of pants that already has the belt on.

   she would rather be a smartass than a dumbass

   (SINGS) this is the Song that Never ends.. it just goes on and on my friend.. Some ppl started singing it not knowing what it was, & they'll continue singing it 4ever just because... LOL!! Bet your singing it now too! YW!

   I got a flu shot for $24 from Target However, I declined the offer of a $50 colonoscopy in the men's room.

   Avoid red fingers. Eat Hot Cheetos using a toothpick.

   thinks that if we were germs, I would be the 1% bad ass that lysol can never kill!!

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong

   anyone heard anything about Cam Newton? It's been kinda quiet the past 3 minutes

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   thankful he's not a turkey

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   Why doesn't Homeland Security call the new "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, "The National Tattle-Tell Campaign"?

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.