Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wasn't that drunk. "Dude, you walked into Wal-Mart and when the voice came on the intercom, you dropped on to your knees and screamed, “GOD HAS SPOKEN”

   Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

   Drop a nuke on the oil spill...just worry about the excuse we'll need after they overshoot the target and bomb Mexico instead.

   Say what you will about Trump, he sure is loyal to the country that elected him (Russia).

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   Used To Be Schizophrenic? But They're OK Now.

   thinks It's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

   Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!

   Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.

   went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.

   has joined The Handsome Mens Club...

   Successful 8-hour sleep diet. Woke up and rewarded willpower with gravy biscuits and sweet tea. HAPPY HUMP DAY, Y'ALL!

   The most powerful position is on your knees.

   Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did

   Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   life has no remote.change it yourself