Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. 
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!
Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.
went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.
has joined The Handsome Mens Club...
Successful 8-hour sleep diet. Woke up and rewarded willpower with gravy biscuits and sweet tea. HAPPY HUMP DAY, Y'ALL!
The most powerful position is on your knees.
Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did
Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.
one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs
life has no remote.change it yourself
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
the proof for darwin's theory.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.
It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.
The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers? 