Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.

   ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!

   Life is like a vacuum cleaner, as soon as you make a firm step, it starts to suck.

   Swagger: To conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner <----Well said Sir Webster

   I have time to get a few hours of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick and meaningful....just like when I dream I am having sex...

   There's nothing that irks me more than guys fawning all over a hot, yet insecure dysfunctional actress type on facebook, as if they're gonna "get some". It's like watching people kissing the a$$ of a train wreck.

   Just heard on the news we're still waiting on news of the falling satellite. Anyone know where Bruce Willis is?

   "In the libray by Prof. Plum with a wrench!!..No?! Um- Then in the Den by Col. Mustard with a Candlestick!! No?! Umm..."-said our political leaders who don't have a f*cking Clue as to what's killing our economy or how to fix it.

   Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I'm yours.

   Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.

   Trying to explain to my blackberry with the death of Mr. Jobs that usually we take a MOMENT of silence not DAYS!!

   there has to be more in this universe, because earth is not where I belong

   Confucius Say: When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

   Pretending to be someone else is hurting and sabotaging yourself because you're telling yourself that the real you, is useless and worthless.

   The Red Plastic Cup.... Making you feel like 15 to 24 years old again!

   awake and alive __ and the coffee is at its Sunday best; I love these moments :)

   Lady GaGa looked like Ralph Machio from Karate Kid on the VMA's tonight

   So i'm heading down to the ballgame with my 2 buddies, and some guy says to me: "are they going too". I replied: "No, there just coming to sit in the car while I watch the game"... Why do people stupidly state the obvious?

   I run with scissors. It makes me feel dangerous.

   Unfortunately, its hard to get real, useful advice nowadays. But on the other hand, you have different fingers...