Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the sea was weed and I was I a duck, I'd swim my way down and smoke my way up...buy the seas not weed and I'm not a duck so pass me that bong and STFU

   There needs to be a phone-line to Heaven.....for the one's we miss!!!

   Oh snap if gas gets below $3 a gallon looks like I can start dating girls out side my city limits....Whoop Whoop

   “I love Eminem” “The candy?” “No, the rapper” “What's so cool about M&M wrappers?”

   There will always be a song in our playlist which we always skip, but never delete ... *LIKE* this if agree :D

   Antarctica wind chill today -135 below. Al Gore refuses to comment

   I want to die the same way I was born. Naked and inside of something Wet..

   It's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you'll do.....Hold the line, love isn't always on time,

   So you can catch HIV from being in Two and a Half Men

   A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

   I dont care who you are, I want your name - Police

   If someone mistakenly Ass dials you then technically it's considered a booty call.

   I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.

   Every time two or more motorcycles ride side by side on the road,,, a bald eagle is gently wrapped in an American flag by The Lord.

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   Casey Kasem: Coming to a milk carton near you.

   Can you give me the opposite of these words quickly: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down

   The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.

   How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.