Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

   ...Demi & Ashton tweet about doing master cleanse diet. Can't wait to see the pic of his 1st bowel movement taken w/the Nikon CoolPix camera... lol!

   whenever somebody says "Stop Laughing! It's not funny you guys" means "It's funny, just lets please laugh about it later"

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   The worst thing you can say to a man is "Are you in yet.."

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].

   never make eye-contact with anyone while eating a banana

   Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

   (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ _̅_̅_̅() ڪے one of my weaknesses.

   Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???

   80's rock group Starship shocked after hearing the President's speech to find that they didn't build that city on rock and roll, someone else did.

   I like my women like I like my dogs. Obedient, loyal, and always licking ...

   Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's piano? Neither has he.

   I was religious.... right up until about the age of reason.

   Arguing on Facebook is like running in the special Olympic, even if you win you are still retarded