Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cheers to alcohol the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

   aim for the moon because even if you miss you will land in the stars

   wants to know what do you give a sick florist?

   does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   Why is it called 'dry humping' when I still need a towel?

   brushing his tooth

   Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someones advent calender ?

   Having the best damn time I can before Monday. Can I get an Amen?!

   a member of the Jehovah's Witness protection program.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it...

   The worst thing you can say to a man is "Are you in yet.."

   In Amsterdam, everyone rides a bicycle and no one cares how excited you are to buy marijuana.

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.