Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   overheard in the Oval Office: "If Bristol Palin wins tonight, we bomb Alaska in 10 minutes."

   On Saturday night the House narrowly passed the healthcare bill. They say the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But she hasn't blinked since what, 1982?

   so tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and Jesse James...it happens to everybody just ask me about my "X"!

   He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagin@...

   Megan Fox will not be acting in Transformers 3. The same was true in Transformers 1 and 2.

   can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

   A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.  He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 

   wonders if ghost say "I see living people"?!

   if paper beats rock, then let me throw a rock at you while you hold up a piece of paper.

   If he threw toilet paper, like he did in Puerto Rico, it would be a more useful response than what he has shown thus far.

   the line was so long at chick fil a, I got some KFC to eat while I waited...

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6 /7.8 /5.6 /.6.7/and 7.3

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say "Hey look! That one looks like an idiot."

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   I dropped my cell phone in water. I dried it out in a bag of Uncle Ben's. He stole my minutes.

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!

   I will never go Bungee Jumping. Put all your faith in a piece of Rubber? I got here because of its failure and I don't plan on giving it a chance to take me out!

   I have a drinking problem and don't intend on doing a thing about it!

   this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

   Ate some bad Indian food... and now I know how to pronounce that symbol that Prince changed his name to.