Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne indeed. The ladies always fall for it.

   I just wanna be friends to but with just your va jj.

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   Steve Jobs was the Apple of our i

   I hope these "reduced guilt" brownies help me get over that hobo I murdered

   Today's weather in Cali....hotter then 5 fat girls in a min cooper with no a/c

   The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   Why is santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year..

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   come on playstation network you were hacked and have been down for 5 days, learn from Jesus, he was crucified and only down for 3 day

   If Godzilla had a son his name would be Jesuszilla?

   I only have a Facebook to see where everyone is at, so I can avoid running into them.

   Whoooo!! Well Done Obama!!!!! ......... 2 soon? I think not!! :)

   Donald J. Trump. The "J" stands for genius.