Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   Il take a bullet for you! But not in the head, like in the leg or something

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   Ok England fans...you were saying?...."sounds of silence"

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   I just wanna be friends to but with just your va jj.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne indeed. The ladies always fall for it.

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor

   Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?