Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did NOT see his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. In related news, George W. Bush was spotted blotting out the sun over North America this morning.....I'm sure he'll catch the blame, regardless.

   Do I have to enforce bar rules on Facebook? No religion, no politics. I'd rather hear you talk about how you just put your kids down for a nap. Sheez!

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   I am having an out of money experience.

   Hillary Clinton being a good mom asked Chelsea the day before her wedding if she had sex with Marc. Chelsea said "NO" according to dad!!

   You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

   When a fat person writes, "LMFAO"... I see "Laughing My FAT Ass Off"

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   Ghetto word of the day: Detest. Usage: That ho be trippin. I aint her baby daddy! I gotta go take detest on Maury!

   all this news coverage on Whitney Houston and they have missed the real story.... she's been clean for 10 days..

   Dear Girls: No need to wear a costumy for Halloween. Just remove the make up and go to the party!

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   I just wanna be friends to but with just your va jj.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.