Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am having an out of money experience.

   Hillary Clinton being a good mom asked Chelsea the day before her wedding if she had sex with Marc. Chelsea said "NO" according to dad!!

   watched JAWS backwards last night - it is a good movie about a SHARK that puts a boat back together (with it's mouth) and puts people on the boat, and then throws-up people until they open the beach!!!

   You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   Il take a bullet for you! But not in the head, like in the leg or something

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   Ok England fans...you were saying?...."sounds of silence"

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   When I was a kid, to cure our ADD my mama would put a dollop of honey in the crack of our ass and set us out by the bee hive!

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   I just wanna be friends to but with just your va jj.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne indeed. The ladies always fall for it.

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   “You know who else briefly went offline this week?” -Youth pastor