Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   Ghetto word of the day: Detest. Usage: That ho be trippin. I aint her baby daddy! I gotta go take detest on Maury!

   all this news coverage on Whitney Houston and they have missed the real story.... she's been clean for 10 days..

   Dear Girls: No need to wear a costumy for Halloween. Just remove the make up and go to the party!

   Dear Political Candidate, if you are going to enter our home via media, you need to follow our house rule #3: "Every time you say something negative about you brother, you must say three good things about him." My name is Cindy & I approve this status.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

   loves to go to Washington - if only to be near his money.

   being boring is a choice. Those mild salsas and pleated khakis don't buy themselves.

   I can't believe I wasn't paying attention at 1:11 on 1/1/11. Argh. I waited all my life for that to happen. Darn, darn, darn it. 2:22 on 2/2/22 just won't be the same.

   I just learned that if you say Gullible REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like orange. DT

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine or do they pay for it?

   w Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Noback to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine.

   Oh Crap!! It's been over 4 hours. Someone call a doctor!!

   You know you're awesome when you know you're awesome.

   That didn't take long: one of the Chilean miners is already cheating on Jennifer Aniston.

   the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did NOT see his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. In related news, George W. Bush was spotted blotting out the sun over North America this morning.....I'm sure he'll catch the blame, regardless.

   Do I have to enforce bar rules on Facebook? No religion, no politics. I'd rather hear you talk about how you just put your kids down for a nap. Sheez!

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   I am having an out of money experience.