Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Made it through Irene's rain band. They could use a new lead singer and a drummer.

   Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did!

   am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive? Scratching on the inside of her coffin lid.

   My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in..

   It's better to be a Yankee than a Limie bastid

   Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   We are not going to call him President Trump, instead he simply prefers "the Donald"

   Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   Winter is coming. Women about to steal your heart and your hoodie.

   Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen

   *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING