Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)

   I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!"

   We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.

   I have a stable job but women leave right after I tell them how hard it is dealing with horses

   the more guys I meet, the more I love my dog :)

   “HeY dUdE wHaTs uP?!” Dude, is your caps lock having a seizure?

   It doesn't matter where you go or what you do, if you don't check in on Facebook with your iPhone you were never really there.

   If you wake up with zits all over your face... you may be suffering from sleep acnea.

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   just asked if I wanted to contribute money to help ease the political unrest in Egypt.... For some reason I just can't get passed my initial worry that this could turn out to be a Pyramid Scheme

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol

   Made it through Irene's rain band. They could use a new lead singer and a drummer.

   Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did!

   am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I didn't quite understand the intervention I just had. What's the point of telling me I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.