Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I hate when people don't watch where I'm going when I'm walking and texting.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.

   Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.