Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

   Studying: The act of texting, eating, and watching TV with an open textbook nearby

   Excited about the post-Halloween sales on candy and razor blades

   he wind is CraZy this morning... I went out for a smoke and the wind blew my robe plum over my head... I felt like Marylin Monroe ...

   If you're woman put you in the doghouse for no particular reason then head to the cathouse for the same reason.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   Google you remind me of my girlfriend, let me finish my sentence before you give me suggestions!

   ah tuesday, mondays slightly less ugly sister

   If you remember the phrase "Yo Quero Taco Bell", you probably grew up in the 90's.

   Judge if you must but I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven as a kid and earlier this morning.

   So my son keeps getting in trouble at school so I go to meet his teacher and she is Hot.. So after I left the teacher my son says " so now can you see why I love getting asked to stay after class". What can you say to that!!!..jamie wallis

   Hey FB friend, the only time I've acknowledged you ever was thirty seconds after I accepted your friend request I scanned through your photos with negative results.

   So facebook is now making Poke suggestions. And it could be anything on your friends list. God knows I've always wanted to f**k the s**t out of McDonald's.

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   atleast none of us agree with tom cruise lol.... now back to the good ol days of funny updates shall we

   Going to the mall today to sit on Cupid's lap and tell him who I want for Valentine's day.

   if you look up "cool" in the dictionary you'll see marked by calm self-control (especially in trying circumstances); unemotional; "play it cool"; "keep cool"; don't be a liar...I just checked the dictionary.

   hated my many. Confronted my none!

   Smoking does not actually kill you. There are plenty of old people in Europe.

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.